We Are (Dysfunctional, Crazy) Family

Who here has a family member that annoys them?  That sometimes hurts their feelings?   Makes you feel unappreciated?  Who here knows that for all the dysfunction, when push comes to shove, your family is there for you?

What I learned this week, is that not only am I valued by my coworkers, but that I am cared for, and we are a family.  I won't go into details, but I will say that true to form, my yearly SOL-induced funk was in full force by last week.  A couple of things happened when I was already feeling low, and next thing you know, I was filling out the paperwork for a transfer.

This weekend, I had a family emergency.  My coworkers, my department chair, my administrators, and my principal came out in full force.  They didn't just step up, they went above and beyond.  I literally have been moved to tears by the amount of compassion and love I have been shown in the last 48 hours.

I have only been teaching three years, but I have been in the workforce for 25.  I have had jobs I loved and jobs I hated.  I have made great friends at work in the past.  I have had great bosses--in fact, one I named my son after.  Never, across the board, have I worked with such a big-hearted, brilliant, beautiful group of people.  For each one of you (coworkers past and present) reading this who has held my hand, commiserated with me, made me smile, listened to stories about my dog, watched my class so I could go to the bathroom, forced me to come to Zumba, had a drink with me, pretended we have a thing going on because the students think it's funny, let me steal your lesson plans, given me chocolate, given me Tylenol, answered my texts, sent me inappropriate emails that make me snort while my kids are taking a test; I adore you.  It is an honor to call you not just coworkers or friends, but family.

I withdrew my transfer paperwork this afternoon.   

Goodbye Breaks my Heart

“But the wild things cried, “Oh please don’t go - we’ll eat you up - we love you so!”
And Max said, “No!”
The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws but Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye.” 


I care about all of my students. Some I enjoy teaching because they are smart, some because they are funny, some because they are horrible and I consider it a challenge to draw them out.  Some I care about because they need someone to care about them.  I have a few students who, for any combination of the above stated reasons, steal my heart and when I have to say goodbye to them, it hurts.

Unfortunately, we have a very transient population.  I have students leaving and new ones coming in all the time.  No matter what, I have to say good-bye to them when they graduate. A few weeks into the school year, a student I will call Brenden joined my class.  He was rambunctious, to be sure.  He wasn't disrespectful at all, just kind of challenging to get focused to complete his work.  One time, he started making random mooing noises in class.  They were shockingly realistic.  It was incredibly amusing. That said, it was really disruptive.  Finally, one day I said,

"Hey Brenden, you know, I grew up going to my grandmother's farm every summer.  She had cows and so I am really good at cow noises, too. So on Monday, you are going to stay after school for detention and you and I are going to moo together until you get it out of your system."

We did just that.  For about 5 minutes.  Then we talked.  Brenden is from Puerto Rico.  He has moved 15 times in the last 5 years.  He talked about how hard it is to move, make new friends, and then experience the loss of saying good-bye over and over. His mother had returned to Puerto Rico to care for her ailing parents and so he was staying with a friend. He said, "Please don't think I am a bad kid.  Sometimes I just make bad choices."  My heart melted.  Then I drove him home.

From that point on, Brenden became really enjoyable to teach.  He tried to work hard for me and I let him be his crazy self just enough to let him have fun.   We break for lunch a quarter of the way through class and often he stayed behind to have lunch with me.  We talked about Saturday Night Live and he would show me other silly videos on Youtube that made us both laugh. I started referring to him as "Moo Moo," and he loved it.

Last month, Brenden was incredibly withdrawn in class.    I asked him if he wanted to talk.  When everyone else filed out for lunch, he stayed at his desk.  When he looked up, big tears were running down his face.  His mother had decided that they needed to move back to Puerto Rico permanently.  I immediately thought of asking my husband if we could keep him with us or doing whatever necessary not to only prevent him from having to go through moving again, but to avoid my own pain of saying goodbye. 

Brenden's last day was on Thursday.  He must have come by between every class to give me a hug.  At one point someone said, "Man, you are moving? Why didn't you tell me?"  I knew why. Telling people is painful.  Saying goodbye is painful--much easier to just slip away.

At the end of the day, he came to hug me one more time.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  I knew that would make it so much worse for him.  So I smiled, and I got his email address and I told him to keep in touch and that maybe one day we will come visit him in Puerto Rico.  I can't imagine what my 5th period will be like without him.  I can't imagine what my 5th period would have been like, if I hadn't kept him after school that day for our mooing session.  It just shows that every kid has a story and sometimes, we as teachers get to be a part of that story in a really meaningful way.  Even if it is only for a very short time.

The Winter of our Despair

I have started to write this post so many times since the unspeakable horror in Newton, CT.  What can I say that no one else has said already?  My perspective is not unique; I have no words of wisdom, no words that will make sense of something so tragic.  As with any other time something goes on that is painful in the world or in my backyard, I just get up the next morning and do the best I can. 

There are no easy answers.  The NRA suggested armed guards at every school.  Not so shocking to me because we already have two armed police officers at our school.  Would I carry a gun?  Absolutely not.  Would I work at a school where staff and faculty were permitted to be armed?  No way.  Which brings me to the biggest question....

Do I feel safe?

Yes.  Kind of.  If I look at it logically, I feel safe.  Although it is happening entirely too frequently, the fact is that teachers and students go to school without incident the majority of the time.  We have gaps in our security, true, but I have a much, much higher chance of getting in an accident on the way to school.  Everyone is on high alert, new safety considerations are being instituted.  It has never been more safe to go to school than right now. 

But, do I feel safe?

No, not really.

I've had nightmares.  My mind has gone to dark places.  I have cried.  Even though I made every effort to not watch coverage, I still know entirely too much about the shootings and am haunted by the victims' sweet, little faces.  The fact is, anyone could walk in our building and do great damage before our officers could get there.  We found a bullet on the floor of the cafeteria this week.  "No one is in any danger, it could have been dropped by anybody.  We had 400 people in the building last night for a game..."  Right.  

The first week, I locked my door every minute we were in the classroom.  This week, I have not.  I'm going to move on and teach because that is really all I can do.  I have SOLs in just 8 weeks.  Then I can take a breath and then, I will be just steps away spring.

Dear Santa....

Dear Santa,


I love my students and teaching.  I really do.  There are just some things on my wish list, not just for my school, but for education in general, that would make so much more sense. So if there is a Santa for education, the following would be on my list:

1.  I wish every student had a computer and Internet access at home.  It is a digital world and we expect our students to keep up. What concerns me is that the expectations do not take reality into consideration.  I allow time in school for computer use for my assignments.  However, we have been told that no Internet at home is not an "excuse" and parents need to be taking their kids to the public library to use the computers.  Wow, if only it was that easy.

2.  I wish that students would understand that they largely hold their success or failure in their own hands.  I wish that society would get that as well and stop blaming teachers.  I failed more than 20% of my students in two of my classes.  Why?  I failed them because they did not do the work.  Flat out, did not do it.  They had opportunities in class, opportunities to make up the work, turn it in late, warnings, calls home, conferences...I did everything I could.  When they got F's did the principal call them in and ask them why they failed?  Nope.  However, I had to create a report that listed each student, why they failed, what efforts I made to get them to pass, and what I'm going to do to make sure they pass this nine weeks.  Literally each entry looked like this:

Chris Smith - Grade:  47/F  Chris failed because he did not turn in his paper, project or journal.  Ample time was allowed in class for each assignment, as well as a window of time where he could turn it in late. Chris often was tardy or skipped class entirely, slept in class, and did not manage class time properly.   I signed Chris up for SDS (our study hall where they can use computers and complete work), called home, and conferenced with Chris on his plan for getting the work done.  To allow any further opportunities for turning in work late, beyond the final due date, would not be fair to the students who did the work on time, as well as send Chris the wrong message about my expectations for work.  My hope is that Chris will understand that there are consequences for not turning in his work and will take this class more seriously next 9 weeks. Further, by not completing his classwork, he is not being properly prepared for the SOL.  I strongly feel that to pass a student who will most likely not pass the SOL, just so I show a higher pass rate, is pointless.

Second verse, same as the first.

3.  I wish that every child who worked hard and applied themselves, had the guarantee of college/post-high school education.  For so many kids, if college isn't an option, high school is a waste of time and something they just get through.  If we get to a point in this country where college is truly only for the wealthy, we will never keep up in the global economy.

4.  I wish that we had more computers in our school and better Internet access.  For all the push there is for 21st-century skills, we are dealing with dial-up speed Internet and a serious lack of computers.  The irony is frustrating, to say the least.

5.  I wish that I had enough time in each period to do all of the growing list of things I am expected to do in preparation for the SOL. 

6.  I wish we had healthier options in the cafeteria. The last period of the day would be much better if the kids had a healthy lunch rather than two bags of chips, some french fries and a candy bar.

7.  I wish our county had school uniforms.  In addition to putting an immediate end to sagging pants and cleavage, it would eliminate the stress that comes with not having the "right" clothes.  True story:  I would not wear ANYTHING to school unless I saw the popular kids wear it first.  Another true story:  More than once, I was devastated because someone making fun of my clothes--and my parents weren't poor! 

8.  I wish every teacher had the supportive network of fabulous professionals that I am honored to work with each day. 

9.  I wish administrators had to be in the classroom teaching for a certain amount of hours each year, just so they don't forget.

10.  I wish every student could go to a home each day where education was a priority and their safety, happiness and comfort was a given.  I know way too many kids where this is not the case. 

So Santa, if you could help me out...I'd really appreciate it.  I'll leave extra cookies in the Teachers' Lounge for you!

Love,

Miz Nilknarf

No Gray Area

Last week was a big news week in my county, none of it good.  Last Wednesday, my daughter (who is a senior at another high school in the county where I teach) came downstairs with news that an acquaintance of hers had been sleeping with a young substitute teacher. Something went wrong (gee, what could possibly go wrong in that scenario?) and the student, now a freshman in college, had released all the naked pictures and graphic texts she had sent him. 

Immediately, students and teachers, as well as people not just in our area, but all over the country weighed in.  At the time, little was known beyond what I have just stated.  Many people thought it was no big deal for a young woman (in her early 20s) to have a relationship with a student, if he was 18.  Many blamed that student for the maliciousness of releasing those pictures and "ruining her life."  Many people, including a female administrator at my school said they felt "sorry for her" and "angry at him."  Many gave the student a high five for bedding a hot, young teacher.  I found that disturbing.  What utterly broke my heart was the racist, ignorant comments that came because the student was black and the teacher was white. 

My opinion all along has been that the teacher was in a position of trust.  At best, it is unethical and a conflict of interests.  It doesn't matter that he is eighteen.  It doesn't matter how young and attractive she is.  What matters is that school is a place where children (and yes, you are a child when you are in high school) should be safe.  No one, male or female, young or old, attractive or unattractive, who seeks out a relationship with a student is in good mental health.  This was not about love or sex.

My position was validated when I heard this morning that the substitute had been arrested on two felonies due to relationships she had with other students who were underage.  In one case, the sex occurred on school property. If one student, who was eighteen, is ethically questionable, multiple relationships show a pattern of a true predator who gets off on the power of the (I am certain) adoration she was getting from the young male students. 

As a society, we must change our thinking on two issues.  The first is that abuse where there is an older woman and a younger, male victim is somehow not abuse.  If one person is in a position of power, then it is abuse.  The second is the attitude that if the victim "liked it" then somehow, it's not as bad.  Psychological damage can take much longer to heal than physical attacks.  Think about your own baggage--is it because someone hit you or because someone messed with your mind?

I love my students and am very protective of them.  I didn't realize how much until that same day that "Substitute Teachergate" went down.  During the last period of the day, an announcement was made to shut and lock our doors and not to let anyone out.  Lockdown.  Shots had been fired in the neighborhood. This is the fear of every teacher since Columbine.  I have often wondered what I would do in my windowless classroom if we were in danger.  As my mind went to the worst possible scenario, I knew without a doubt that I would do whatever it took to keep my students safe.  I am no hero.  I am like every other teacher, whom parents put their trust in every day.  Parents trust that we will not just educate our students, but nurture and protect them.  We should always be their advocates and act in their best interest. This is a sacred trust and any teacher who violates that with any kind of questionable behavior has no place in the school system. 

To me there is no gray area. 

It's a new day; it's a new dawn and I'm feeling....

...pretty good.

The year has started out going really well (except for Yearbook, which I hate, but that's another post for another day).  The classroom management secrets that I figured out last year have made for a much better start to the year, in terms of letting the kids know my expectations.  The top 3?

• Find the most obnoxious kid in the class and make that kid your best friend.
• Kids will behave better if they genuinely believe that you care about them (that means setting expectations, sticking to them and letting them know they have your full support)
• Inappropriate behavior:  Ignore 50%. laugh off 20%, talk to the kid privately 20%, call home 9%, write up 1% and only when all else fails.

I will also say that Admin is towing the hard line this year and it has made a huge difference.  This year there are absolutely no hats allowed in the building.  While this may seem like a small thing, it really makes a difference.  It avoids a million little opportunities to defy authority.  Before, this is what it looked like--  Kid knows he's not supposed to wear hat in the building.  Kid wears it anyway.  Teacher asks him to take it off.  He obliges, turns the corner, hat back on.  Another teacher asks him to take it off, lather, rinse, repeat.

I am also teaching "World Literature" as opposed to "American Literature."  While initially, I was really unhappy about this, there is quite a bit of freedom in it.  I hate the textbook.  It is full of what I call, "dead white guys" and the kids just don't relate to it.  Heck, I don't relate to it!  We haven't done much reading yet because I am focusing on writing for the SOL (more on that in a minute), but I have selected a few short stories to teach reading strategies that have been very successful. 

"The Last Spin" -- This is about 2 rival gangs who decide to settle a dispute by having one member from each play Russian Roulette.  In the course of the game, the two gang members realize they have much in common and admit to fear and discontent with gang life.  I always leave the last page out and make them write the ending.  By the way, their endings are often better than the real one.

"The Landlady" -- This is often read in middle school.  However,  I have such a wide range of reading levels and it is great to teach strategies such as making inferences, making predictions, and visualizing.  I won't say too much about this one because to do so would ruin it, but suffice it to say that it has a spooky and twisted element that students can't resist.

"Birthday Party"-- Truly a short story at only four paragraphs, it does such a great job of painting a picture of the setting, the events and the characters that it is awesome for teaching the importance of writing with vivid, sensory details.  It also makes for some great classroom discussions.  I loved hearing my kids hotly debate what they thought was going on. 

The last thing I want to talk about is the debate about standardized tests and merit-based pay.  The Colorado teachers strike brought some big issues to the forefront of America's conscious and I think ultimately was a very important step.  While I do agree there should be some way to evaluate how students are progressing, our current culture of standardized tests is not the solution.  Example:  in the same county where I teach there is a school largely populated by upper middle class families.  Their scores are excellent.  What is the difference?  Both schools have excellent facilities and basically the same amount of funding.  In fact, we have more funding due to a grant we were awarded two years ago.  Both schools have excellent teachers.  One of our teachers was Teacher of the Year not just for the county, but for the region.  The difference is the socioeconomic level of the students.

I can't even begin to explain all the ways this makes a huge difference in how students do in school.  If you aren't familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Need, read here about how not having basic survival and comfort needs met impact a student's behavior and performance.  Remember also, that while you may have the time and desire to work with your student, contact teachers, and bug your student to do his work, not all do or can.  It's not even an issue of not wanting to do those things in most cases.  Many of these parents are single parents, working more than one job, or struggling with other issues that just keep education from being the priority.  I also had a teacher friend point out that many parents are intimidated by the system, based on their own experiences. 

The point is, don't judge these parents because you have no idea what is going on in their lives or what they have been through.  After having only the parents of seven (out of 110) students show up for Back to School Night, I was really angry and depressed. However, I have decided this year to double my efforts in reaching out to parents early and often.  I have been delighted by how appreciative these parents are.  Many of them say that they hate that the first time they hear about a problem, it is "too late."  They care about their kids and want them to be successful, sometimes they just don't know where to start. 

This brings me back to standardized testing and merit based pay.  Merit based pay basically says that  successful performance as a teacher (and therefore in some cases, raises, if you are fortunate to work in a county where raises are an option, which I am not, sadly) is based on how students do on standardized tests and other state mandated gauges.  I get the logic behind it, but it is short sighted.  I can only control what happens for the time they are in my classroom, which ranges between 3 and 4.5 hours per week.  That's it.  What happens at home, what they choose to do outside the classroom, the million little and big choices that they make or their parents make impact their performance far more than anything I could ever hope to do.  Yet, I am held accountable. 

It's just wrong.

I don't know what the answer is, but my thought is that teachers and parents must be involved in this conversation and a massive overhaul of our educational system is needed to prepare these kids for the world they will face when they leave school.  Further, if a quality education becomes something that is only available to those who can pay to provide it, we are in deep trouble.  If you want to know what the state of education is, what we need, what can be done, ask a teacher.  I'm sure they will have many insights for you. 

Little Mysteries Revealed

One thing a high school teacher is always curious to find out?  Their schedule.  There are so many advantages and disadvantages to having certain class periods.  My first year teaching, I didn't have a first period.  I liked that because it meant I didn't have to hit the ground running.  I could come in, leisurely check my mail box and my email and settle into my day.  Last year, I had a first year period and I liked it because those kids are sleepy and QUIET!  This year, I don't have a first period and I'm fine with that. 

I learned my first year that having a class the last period of the day sucks.  Kids are fried, hopped up on the sugar they ate at lunch and basically done when they walk in your class.  Another great thing about not having a class last period is that you have the option to sign out early (or sneak out early...of course I have never done that).  Both last year and this year, I have kids the last period every day.  Oh well....

My other planning period is midday and it is when lunch happens.  This always seems like a super extended planning period to me because I usually just eat lunch in my classroom.  "Planning Period" sounds like more fun than it is.  First off, think about how fast an hour goes by when you are in your office working on something (versus when you are on Facebook trying to kill time).  Then, there is something called "duty".  Your duty takes up HALF of your planning period.  Some duties are conducive to getting work done (hall duty is great for grading papers) and some are hell on earth where you will do nothing but pray that it will be over soon (lunch duty).  So, once you have walked to and from duty, that really leaves you about 30-40 minutes of planning time. 

Which leads me to "Teacher Work Days."  Ever wonder what we do on those days?  I bet you think those days are fun, leisurely days where we grade papers and get our grades in, right?  Nope.  Those days usually require that we have our grades in by 10:00 a.m. and then the rest of the time we are in meetings or trainings.  How about "Teacher Work Week," which starts Monday for us?  That's not a week of us getting our classrooms ready, doing lesson plans, getting all of our copies made and organized for the first day.  Well, we do that but we only have about 6 hours in our classrooms that whole week.  The rest of the time?  Yep, meetings and trainings.

"But you get the whole summer off!"  Yes, I do.  However, I offer you this:  My contract is for a little over $39,000.00 this year.  I taught summer school so that knocked out three weeks (see previous sentence about my yearly income).  Summer is also when we take classes required for our recertification.  Last but not least, our job is really exhausting and stressful.  I know many people have stressful, exhausting jobs, but most of those people make more than I do and can afford nice vacations.  Also, imagine that you get bronchitis and have to call in sick.  Maybe you have the option to telecommute or be conferenced in for meetings.  If not, your office is just going to have to suck it up, postpone meetings, have a coworker fill in, whatever.  I have to get a sub (no easy feat at my school), create lesson plans for my sub and pray that my students don't assault the sub (it has happened).  Being out for more than one day is really more hassle than it's worth.  My first year teaching, I got pneumonia.  I missed one day.  Did I mention I only make $39,000.00 a year??